I've been feeling lost. A little stuck and a lot unmotivated. I've been trying to just sit with it.
As someone who has spent every moment of their life 'doing' I'm trying to work out what this feeling is rather than trying to override it with more doing.
Am I lost or is this what peace feels like?
I am in a womens Mandala, and last night one of the women did a beautiful meditation for us all and I had a beautiful realisation that my whole life, everytime I have had to write down my dreams, one of the first things I wrote has always been peace.
A peaceful home, a child who has more peace and more inner peace. And last night as I sat in my living room in my new (ish) home (this week will be my 1 year anniversary in Barcelona) in candle light with my kid cooking dinner and humming in the kitchen that, fuck me, this is what peace feels like .
And as much as I have dreamt of this moment I had confused it with something else, something negative.
So now I need to work out how to adjust to this newness.
Chaos has always been a huge motivator, chaos, scarcity, trauma (they really get the hustle hustling).
But now, as life gets gentler and gentler I need to keep reminding myself to be easy.
That I can be soft, that I can stay up late sometimes and nothing bad will happen, that my kid is fine and my business is safe and nothing reallly needs to be fought for any more.
And as beautiful as that sounds it feels uncomfortable as fuck.
But it's time for the fighter in me to unclench her fists and breathe more deeply and move with intention not force.
As I sit on the sofa slowly, gently making friends with my new kitten we adopted this weekend he's reminding me that this shit takes time. He is very timid and scared and to be in this space with him I can only wait and let him come to me.
And that's what I need to be doing more of, letting it flow. Less force, more ease.
Because although I've hidden from it my whole life, I think there's some real good shit waiting for me in the stillness.
Sal (and Brian) x