After an incredible start to my trip there is a lot bubbling to the surface right now, which is expected but not thaaat welcome! Just a heads up, this ones a little heavy with mention of disordered eating (but a happy ending)
This week has been tough. For a few reasons. The buzz of being back wore off, the dreamlike dizziness of jet lag went away and I checked most of the things I had to do off my list, so suddenly found myself in a space to think, be quiet, reflect and not have anything really to do. Except one big scary thing that's been looming over me. And it’s been hard!
Yesterday I spent the whole day in the car with a driver I’d never met before finding my sons Dads grave which felt so huge and scary and lonely. But I did it and I cried and I swore and I shared and then I mostly just felt proud of myself for being able to do hard things, and also glad that my life doesn’t involve doing that many hard things anymore (apart from soo parenthood which is pretty high on the hard scale, but equally pretty high on the joy scale too)
I am missing my kid SO much as he is on a camp with no contact at all for 2 weeks and my heart aches! (it's also a full moon and I’m premenstrual so, feelings).
But what I am also really struggling with here is 1) a flood of old scary memories I had completely tucked away to the point I had semi-convinced myself that maybe I made a lot of it up. And, 2) the old feelings of really negative body stuff I lived with for years and too had forgotten the extent of until coming back here.
I had almost forgotten what it feels like to be the largest person in every space. And what an exhausting act of resistance it is to constantly show up for yourself by wearing what you want when everything around you is trying to convince you that, unlike everyone else, your body is something to be ashamed of.
I had almost forgotten what it feels like to spend a whole day shopping to be told over and over that there is nothing in your size as if that’s your fault for existing in your body, rather than that of someone else for not deeming your body worthy of fashion/style/comfort.
I had almost forgotten what it felt like to be super aware of my body all the time and to think it's fine to just miss a meal or too to punish myself and take the edge off.
I am dreaming of getting back home and wearing my thong bikini, tits swinging, without feeling like I'm being watched (obvs not topless here).
I watched the new swim video of me in a bikini on my Instagram and feel so grateful that I feel that free in my real life!
But what I have been reminded of is why I started this. And how privileged I am not to feel like this in my day-to-day life, but how many people live this experience daily and with added prejudices and top of the size of their bodies. And how I will never stop adding sizes and trying to really make a space where you feel safe and welcome and enough, exactly as you are.
Sending you all so much love