It's been a strange summer. So much has happened, so much is changing and I think I've been subconsciously tapping out of it through.. fear. In the lead up to going back to Bali to face some old demons and let some shit go and to do some forgiveness of myself (and him). I subconsciously slipped into some old heavy habits. And although life is so good I have been struggling to untangle these coping habits and take in the views. It's like simultaneously a new life is unfolding and I am clinging onto an old one. But this morning I woke up and decided, Not today satan.
I have been losing myself to scrolling. Searching. Trying to fill a hole that gets deeper and darker the more I try to fill it with things that don't fill me. Scrolling. Being on a dating app. Checking checking checking a million unimportant things til I am so empty I could burst. But I feel like I have been living a double life because whilst on the one hand I have been secretly binging and feeding this hungry monster, especially during 5 days in bed with a bad back, I have also been feeling the absolute most loved and cared for and excited about the next chapter of our lives ever. But there is fear in that, in being where we dreamt of being, of feeling loved and supported and safe, so there is a round-the-clock inner battle of just trusting and enjoying the moment, and the fear that it could all go bad in a second. (the things my mind has told me are about to happen this week are extreme, from terminal illness to this bankruptcy to broken bones with a bit of the apocalypse sprinkled on top)
But today is a new fucking day and today I am doing the small things that calm my nervous system. Music. Sudoku. Pulling some cards. Writing some words and keeping the world (aka my phone) out for a little longer. Today, my back feels a little better, and the sky is blue again and I still have 967 Sudokus in my book and 8 days left of the 3 month summer holidays and a new home with a bath nearly ready for us, and I am determined not to miss all the beauty because I am looking away, eyes scrunched up in fear. Today I am determined to watch the birds and eat the fruit slowly and savour my morning drink and really really listen to my son when he talks and remember what actually fills me up and do more of that. Sorry I've been so quiet. I've been busy looking at the trees and not seeing the beautiful beautiful woods.