It’s mothers day (which I only remembered this morning) and despite that this weekend I have been thinking more than usual about Motherhood, (which I am going to write with a capital M from now on because I think we deserve it).
This weekend I suddenly had a whole weekend without my son, and boy did it shake me! I recently read my friend Priya’s book on Motherhood (its called M(other)land and I highly recommend it to absolutely everyone to read) but she talks about having her first child in her late 30’s and how it completely shook the core of her being. Which was fascinating for me as I had the opposite response to parenthood. At 24, having already lived in various places having left home at 16, on my search, I guess for something intangible, but which I was desperately alone and lost without motherhood felt like the holy grail.
It was like all my shattered pieces of myself all came together and for the first time in my life I know who I was in relation to someone else. I was home. But, I have realised (with the help of some words by writer Najwa Zebian) that building your home in someone else means you can be left homeless at a moment's notice. And this weekend I felt truly homeless.
Having spent years building my home, my sense of self and even my security within my beautiful son, I failed in many ways to maintain my own home of which the lawn is growing up the trunks of the trees, who’s branches are breaking and crushing a fence with paint it’s chipping and peeling. And this weekend I realised that I didn't even have the key to get in. So there i was stranded and homeless and fuck did it feel painful and uncomfortable.
So this strange, lonely, lost mothers day I have realised that especially as my kid becomes a teen it is time, more than ever, to build my own home, my own sense of self outside of motherhood. It is time to mow the lawn and plant some flowers and paint some colours in , because not only is it terrifying to be suddenly thrown i to homelessness, but that it is a huge responsibility for my kid to carry (one that I have laid at his feet for so long) and I hope by showing him how it’s done he will start building his own home away from me (but hopefully on the same street so I can pop by unannounced)!
So on that note, today, for mothers day I will not for once try and guilt my kid into spending time with me, but instead spend time by myself, tending to my own needs and thinking about how I want this new home to look, for myself.
Sending you all love on this very confusing old day